The Dichotomy of 21st-Century Dating: Obsession

“Just because you chose this for her doesn’t make it less real.”

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The "Villain Edit"

“She’s the one who won’t leave me alone,” says Bear minutes before he pulls the broken One Wish Willow out of his bag. He refuses to cancel the wish and instead asks to change it. “Sounds like you have a moral obligation to be there for her,” says the Willow customer service worker on the other end of the phone after an unsuccessful attempt to cancel the wish.

It was just an outstanding thing to say in a movie. I don’t have to watch it in its entirety to give it its merit. I mean, how many times has a woman been with a man who treats her like she’s overbearing, even though he “wanted her to want him more than anybody”? It’s the over-lived tale of a man who wants to be obsessed over, but only on his terms. When she begins to no longer fit his expectations, she becomes undesirable, whiny, and even frightening to him.

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I have to think back to Jana and her ex-boyfriend from Love Island Season 6. If you’re not familiar with the context, the two dated for about a year before she found out he had been saying racist things about her in texts to his friends, yet stayed in the relationship with her for “brand deals.” Was the intimacy for “brand deals” too? It's eerie to recognize she is not alone in her experience; there are many people in relationships with partners whose intentions are ultimately selfish.

Everyone is trying to save Bear from the situation he’s in with Nikki because he keeps lying by omission. He continues to paint himself as someone trapped in an impossible situation, when in reality, he’s the only one who knows the full story. His desperation to put himself in a better position wasn’t enough to make him do the right thing. Instead, he took advantage of the situation until it ultimately ruined his own life, with little regard for the fact that Nikki’s life had already been devastated by those same choices.

Last month, Jana’s ex-boyfriend went on a podcast and described how “aggressive” she was during their final moments, contrasting her behavior with how calm he supposedly was. In her response video, she informed us that he had sat there and lied the entire time. It was a desperate attempt to clear his name at her expense. The perception of any situation depends on the version of events being told, but context can shed some light on everything else.

False Advertising

Bear talks about Nikki like she's crazy the entire movie, but only mentions the one thing he did that made her that way in the end ...when it was too late. He had no concern for how she was being perceived, but was quick to keep quiet about things that might make him look questionable. They don't actually want a relationship, just the benefits that comes from being in one with as little emotional responsibility of the other person. He says things he doesn't mean to keep the fantasy alive for his gain, but then how can someone really give consent to a relationship when it's built around misinformation?

While Obsession focuses heavily on consent and codependency in obvious ways, it also raises an uncomfortable question about relationships: can someone truly consent when they only know half the truth?

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When I think about the dating world today, this film makes me feel like we’re not having enough honest conversations about relationships. It shouldn’t be a way to access regular intimacy or make yourself feel less lonely, and wanting more from your partner shouldn’t make you feel like you’re being “too much.” A relationship is supposed to be a partnership where two people complement each other in the ways they move through life. This type of partnership can find you at any point in your life, but I think the reason people say love comes “when you least expect it” is because you’re more likely to find someone you’re compatible with while doing the things you naturally love.

People are all different and desire different things, but my point here is about dishonesty. You can’t deceive your way into a relationship with someone and expect it to fulfill the fantasy you created for yourself. You also can’t alter or conceal who you are to fit someone else’s expectations simply because it benefits you. At some point, the other person deserves the chance to decide whether they actually want what you’re offering. That’s where Obsession wins for me. It visually drives the narrative of emotional manipulation through distortions in appearance and mannerisms, showing us just how dehumanizing the experience is.

The Easy Wrong

There is a danger in presenting a false version of yourself for the sake of personal gain. When someone withholds critical information, it calls into question the other person's ability to make an informed choice. In that sense, it does make the relationship less real. The need to be wanted for personal gain goes against what the agreement between two people is supposed to be.

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Often, these situations stem from cowardice. In Bear's case, he was never honest about how he felt about Nikki, nor was he honest with anyone else about the reality of the situation. He knew it was wrong, but he did it anyway because it was easy... at first. There are consequences to being a coward, but why risk them when you can just have integrity, save yourself the trouble, and, in the best case, find something that actually fits you. If the motivation here is minimal effort, there are a plethora of Monkey's Paw wishes gone wrong stories in the media for a reason: the shortcut never really works. It defers the trouble, sometimes even with added interest rates.

Jana's ex likely regrets not being honest from the beginning. By choosing the comfort of silence over the discomfort of honesty, he created a situation that ultimately damaged his reputation, cost him opportunities, and made meaningful relationships far more difficult. What began as avoiding discomfort only ensured that the discomfort would be much greater when the truth eventually surfaced.